I need to let these thoughts go...

No I'm not lovesick that ain't ever happening to me. I was going to put this blog post as a part of my If I'm a cheater, you're a mosaic pixelation series but I think it's short enough to have just a post on its own. No it doesn't need no fancy graphics or sarcasm everywhere. Today I'll be talking about my first few days in school, or what I would sum it up in and that is, life. I need to let these thoughts go out into the wild as its been distracting me for way too long.

The thing is, I just started school and it's been about four days, I can't find anyone to kind of talk to except my ex-classmate who's in my class and I'm so thankful for that as I'll be a loner if I didn't have him in my class. But my current classmates are so... different from me. They are the type who are outgoing and talkative and that's totally okay but I'm the type who doesn't talk much and keeps everything to himself, except when I switch on Twitter of course then everything comes out. They can't know my Twitter its too dangerous. Well, I guess after this blog post goes up I wouldn't mind if they knew my Twitter I would have destroyed my relationship with them. Also, I need friends for project groups and I have to try hard to bond better with my classmates but it's hard because I'm just not a social person in general and I struggle just to hold a conversation. I feel uncomfortable around them and it isn't working out.

You know, I'm trying my best to go with them for everything but I feel so awkward just being around them and it kind of sucks that I didn't attend orientation I guess that's where they bonded the most. I also missed out all the important briefings they gave during it which meant that I'm kind of lacking behind everything and it kind of sucks for me. I'm not the kind of person that cares about these little small details but man, its been bothering me and I wish it didn't.

Classes are alright but the contents feel so rushed and I have that one lecturer who I just can't understand what he's saying. It's not the accent or anything like that but the way he tries to explain everything in mumbled form that's the only way I can describe it. I shouldn't be caring about my results but guess what? I do. I'm scared to fail for once in my life and its because of all the high expectations everyone has on me it annoys the heck out of me.

What's more I'm really stressed out. My class timetable during the time I had PFP was really well organized and it allowed us to have plenty of rest but with the new timetable on one of the days, I'm expected to have lessons from 9am to 6pm with only an hour of break. That's just not possible, it's almost like they are training us for the workforce.

Even worse is I find myself distracted from lessons I'm constantly checking Twitter or going onto WhatsApp and I wasn't this way in the past. I'm happy to be learning what I want to learn and that is everything about IT but I can't concentrate and I think it has to do with the environment I'm in. An environment that is constantly noisy and unproductive and influencing me to be just like that.

After school I go home and I have to deal with more stress. My skin problem which most of you probably can see I won't talk much about that has been flaring up like crazy but I haven't told anybody about it and I'd rather keep it private from anyone I personally know and I think its due to stress, and the thing is, that's stressing me even more as I hardly have time to keep myself healthy as I've recently caught a flu and I've been coughing like crazy the past few days. I also get stressed out by my sister who is constantly complaining and talking about her relationship and I have to respond to her everyday and it takes thought, effort and time to give her a response that actually makes sense even though she never listens and just keeps repeating her problems everyday. Just listening to her makes me more depressed and stressed out because I never wanted to get involve din her relationship but she's somehow managed to drag me along into it. I've never been in a relationship before but after seeing how stressful it is I wouldn't want to be in a relationship, and relationships aren't supposed to be that way.

My schedule has also been messed up pretty hard, I hardly have time for myself and there are all these things that you need to remember to do, basically all the administrative stuff with my school like changing the student card or collecting something and submitting documents. And you know what? I'm stressed out. I don't show it, but I am. I'm trying to hold everything in but eventually I'm gonna blow up and break down. I have limits too and guess what? My stress has pretty much hit it hence why I'm blogging this out.

I need time for myself, I need things to work out... but I don't know how I can make that happen. That's what bothering me all these while. I need a day where I can think and help myself to just relax.

I can't always give you my time. It's not fair.