Reality of being tired

So a lot has happened since my last post. Let me tell you year 2 in polytechnic has not been nice to me. I'm honestly mentally exhausted from the amount of assignment and work to do that I need to write it off somewhere.

The content that I'm learning this semester I honestly have no interest in except for a few of my modules which makes me wonder why I even chose this course in the first place. Oh wait, I remember, it was a course about information technology. A course to learn how information is transmitted using technology. Well if I'm learning about IT which is a general term for computer-related or technological stuff. So what does the business process has to do with my course? I get how it can come in useful in the future but its not what I want to learn. I want to learn about computers, and software and how stuff works maybe even programming. Business-related stuff just isn't my thing. I never signed up for modules not related to IT or perhaps my knowledge of IT is wrong all along, and that IT is a mixture of technology and business. If I wanted to learn about business, I would have went to the school of business. Heck, I even know that the people in the school of business actually learn about IT stuff, and I am so sorry for that.

But all that isn't the biggest problem. The problem I'm facing this semester is that I am just tired. I am tired of being flooded with assignments to complete that have ridiculous deadlines. My grades have been falling no doubt about that and I am coming to accept that there will be a time where I just can't be that guy who does well for most of his modules. This semester truly surprised me with two things. One is that I got my very first B+ in a common test paper which I honestly think I deserved lower but that result really made my motivation to do well for that particular module just go down the drain. Yes, I am that affected by the grade I get on a piece of A4 paper. But a grade is the only thing that motivates me to do well for any module and if that's the kind of grade I get, I'd rather not waste my effort on that module. (Filtering skills!) Another grade that surprised me today was that I failed a component of my assignment for another module. This breaks my record of never failing anything in the 2+ years that I've been in polytechnic and I would like to thank the lecturer for opening my eyes up to something. I'll continue on with what I have opened up to this later.

Another module I'm struggling with is my IS module. While my lecturer is pleasant the module is not. My biggest regret in choosing that particular IS module as I wouldn't have known about the consequences. I chose psychology as a module to study on and little did I know, there was this 30% report at the end of the semester where it involves conducting actual physical real life experiments and we have to film down the experiment. Guess how many weeks we were given to do this? 2 weeks. And if you actually considered the days where we have actual lessons from morning till evening, how much time do we actually have to conduct that many number of experiments? Not only that, but I have busy group mates that are busy with other things related to their course or their life. There is no common time where everyone can meet up. We can't commit to anything and everything is falling apart. And I'm here considering giving up and just letting life lead the way. I can't blame them for having other things to focus on, but at the same time I wish the module was more planned out so that this would have never been an issue in the first place.

Back to what I have opened up my eyes to. That "F" grade helped me to prove that I'm right about how tired I am and how I am honestly trying too hard to please everyone at the end of the day. What am I trying so hard for? To get respect? To prove that I can do something well? But for what am I doing that? To sacrifice my sleep and mental health for this shitty school life of mine just sucks. It is not worth my time. I set a goal to be more relaxed and stress-free this semester. I have done everything but that. If I'm all stressed up and a "F" grade is all I get. I'd rather live a stress free life and it would still end up in me getting the same exact grade.

And you know, I'd usually enjoy all the modules except one or two for each semester. This semester, I literally enjoy only two out of the five. There's the one with programming a website using C#, and cloud computing architecture which is ridiculously information intensive, but yet has so much more relevance to the course I am studying.

So at the end of the day, I tried, but I'm tired. I'm not depressed. I just need my life back. There's such thing as a perfect grade, but there's no way to keep it without going mentally insane. At least for me. Thank you year 2 for opening up my eyes to reality. May year 3 be worse. (Please don't, or you can expect me to blog more often). I can say that "I'm happy" last year, but sorry, this has not been a good year for me.

Edit: But I'm glad I'm this stressed out though, because I want time to pass even faster because I have a buffet at the end of the month. See, you can end things on a good note. Even if you didn't intend to... now I'm just rambling. /end